February gets people thinking about hearts and flowers. I’ve been thinking about 45 years of marriage, which includes some hearts and flowers, but also includes sleepless nights with sick kids, financial stress, personal struggles, and seasons where we weren’t sure we’d make it through.
If you’re newly married or thinking about getting married, you probably don’t need another list of generic marriage advice for newlyweds. You need the truth. You’re not just partners in romance. You’re teammates in life. And like any good team, you’ll have moments when one of you is carrying more weight, seasons when you’re growing at different speeds, and times when you have to pull each other up and work hard to keep pace.
So here’s what I’ve learned about making a marriage last after 45 years.
The Light Ahead of Me
When I met my wife in college, I was a mess. I’d spent fourteen years in an orphanage after being abandoned at age three, aged out at seventeen, and spent the years after that trying to drown my bitterness in everything I could get my hands on. I was angry, broken, and convinced I was doomed to become exactly what my past said I’d become.
But when I met her, something shifted. I knew I wanted to be a better man for her. Not perfect—I was nowhere near perfect—but better. She became a light ahead of me, pulling me forward toward the man God believed I could be instead of the man my circumstances said I was stuck being.
That’s what a good marriage does. When one of you is growing, reaching, striving to become something more, the other becomes that light ahead, helping you walk into it. And then the roles reverse. You grow in an area where your spouse is struggling, and you become the one pulling them forward, with patience, encouragement, and a lot of love and grace along the way.
You’ll Wound Each Other—Sometimes Without Meaning To
I’d lie if I said our 45 years have been easy. We’ve had some awfully hard times.
Here’s something most people don’t talk about: sometimes in a marriage, a person has their own problems, and those problems wound their partner. They’re not wounding their partner on purpose. They’re just having their own problems. Maybe one of you is dealing with depression, anxiety, unresolved trauma, career stress, or health issues. You’re not trying to hurt your spouse, but your struggle affects them.
That’s when you most need to remember that you’re on the same team. The problem isn’t each other. The problem is the problem. And you tackle it together.
My wife and I have had to learn to say, “Time out. We’re not enemies here. What are we actually fighting?” Sometimes it was financial stress. Sometimes it was exhaustion from raising kids. Sometimes it was navigating one of life’s low points together. But no matter what life throws our way, we always come back to the same truth: we’re teammates.
The Biggest Mistakes I See Couples Make
After counseling men for nearly 23 years through CBMC and working with couples on estate planning, I’ve seen patterns in what breaks marriages apart. Most of it comes down to unrealistic expectations that were never discussed before the wedding.
First, skip premarital counseling and you’re setting yourself up for problems. Good premarital counseling forces you to talk about the hard stuff before you’re legally bound to each other. How will you raise kids? Who manages money? What are the expectations when he’s exhausted from work and you’re exhausted from keeping a human alive all day?
Set clear expectations on issues like these before you get married.
Second, refusing to go to counseling when you hit hard times. Sometimes you need that third party to let you say the words out loud that you shouldn’t say directly to your spouse in the moment. Get it all out to someone who can help you refine it, then bring you back together to work through it.
I’m not saying counseling solves everything, but sometimes you have to look at each other and say, “Together we’re not solving this. Let’s get help.”
Third, forgetting why you chose to get married to each other. In the hard times, you need something to come back to. You need to remember why you got married in the first place.
Ask yourself: What attracted us to each other at the start of our relationship? What did we used to love to do together? What kind of husband did I want to be when we first got married? What were my goals as a newlywed wife? How can we get back to being closer together?
Reflect on these questions together. Remember what was once at the core of your relationship. Talk about it without accusing each other of failing to live up to some ideal. Just talk about who you were and who you wanted to be together.
The Beauty of the Long Haul
After 45 years together, I can tell you that the best part of a marriage isn’t the anniversaries or the vacations. It’s that you build an entire life together—not just a home or a family, but a life.
You don’t have to worry about being known or seen by your partner because they’ve been with you through so much. They’ve seen every side of you—the good, the bad, the side that comes out at 2 a.m. when the baby won’t stop crying, the side that shows up after you’ve lost a job or buried a parent. They know you, and you know them.
Living life with your partner becomes second nature. They become a part of you. You prioritize their needs without thinking about it because their needs are your needs, and vice versa. That’s moving through life as one unit instead of two people trying to coordinate. That’s intimacy—not just romance—true intimacy.
It’s a powerful, beautiful relationship. One of life’s greatest joys, despite the challenges along the way.
And here’s the beauty of those challenges: every one you face and overcome together makes you stronger. Every hard season you push through weaves another thread in the fabric of your marriage. You become unbreakable not because you never face problems, but because you’ve proven to each other that you can face anything and still choose each other on the other side.
My Advice to You
So if you too want a marriage that will last 45 years and beyond, here’s what I believe matters most:
Get away when you can. A night, a weekend if possible. Reconnect not just as parents or roommates, but as partners. Remember why you chose each other.
Be willing to go to counseling, separately or together, when you need it.
Talk about expectations before they become resentments.
And remember you’re on the same team. When one of you is in a low season, the other pulls them up. When one of you is growing fast, the other works to keep pace or reaches for that light ahead.
That’s what 45 years has taught me.
